We Own The Sky

My former EFY Session Directors have left the church

2012-01-11T02:14:00.000-08:00

They recently had an interview done, and I thought it was great. Here is the link to the interview and I will embed the videos in my blog.

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

I loved what they had to say, their sincerity, their love. I think this is a good video for ex-mormon, or anyone who has had family members leave the church.

If you have any opinions share, I'd love to see what people think about this.

Favorite TV Shows of 2011

2011-12-24T17:30:00.000-08:00

As the year closes, and television season finales winding down it's time to rate my favorite series of 2011. Since I am going to attempt to give up the stuff, I might as well attempt to use all those wasted hours to get something out of it. Please comment and if there was anything I missed, let me know!

11. America's Next Top Model

Generally this show is at the top of my yearly list, I end up rooting for a certain girl, get really attached, be all team Anne, or Brittany, or Kayla. This year that didn't happen, at all. I found the girls dull, and no one ever really stood out. That's why we see America's Next Top Model in such a low place, but still my faggotry betrays me and ANTM will always be a favorite.

10. Dexter
Dexter has almost become a chore for me the last few seasons, While I appreciate what happens, I'm just not investing into it like I have in the past. It's still really good to watch, but I feel obligated to because I've liked it for so long and now I'm just not loving it anymore.

The season was decent. Dexter struggles with the big things God, the bible, salvation and evil end of times bs. I just don't let my self fall in love with this plot. It seems almost too contrived.

9. Walking Dead

I just don't even feel like putting up a clip or a picture. The first season had such amazing promise. Then came the second season which we are in the middle of, and it has been a little boring to watch. the drama and character building was getting out of hand.

8. Law and Order: SVU

I mourn the loss of Christopher Melony. I mean, he was just brilliant, and sexy. (I'll admit it. I think he's hot) The whole set up of this show is so formulaic it's comforting. It's one of the shows that I let myself give into and feel it out and get sucked in emotionally because I can trust it. The characters are great, and the writing is lovingly predictable.

7 American Dad
This is one of my favorite moments in the recent run of the show.

I laugh through an entire episode. It is usually a show that turn my day right around 180 degrees. It's sad that I have decided to rank it so low. But I cannot think I could watch another family guy episode without groaning, American Dad came along. It's great writing and the dynamic character of Roger gives the creators a lot of opportunity for hilarities. If it wasn't for the emotional impact of other shows, this would definitely be number 1.

6 True Blood

Who can't love a pornographic fantasy soap opera? I sure can't. It's dirty, trashy, and delightful. I know I'm going to be taken for a ride of ridiculousness and I think it's awesome.

5 United States of Tara

I am so sad to see this show be canceled. I was getting really attached to the family and the characters. Tara, a mother who has dissociative identity disorder tries to keep the lid on things, and raise two very well-adjusted children. I loved the family in this, nothing rocked them, they took everything that happened and got through it together. The gay son is openly accepted and shows what kind of opportunity for normalcy when a family is as supportive as this. United States of Tara was a fantastic study on how intense mental illness affects families, and how it can be so meaningless when family is the number one priority.

4 Nurse Jackie

Forgive the trailer for season one, it showed Mo-MO the gay nurse friend Jackie had before they wrote him out. I love this show because it's about being a good person, family, and all the real not so good stuff in between (totally wrote that before I saw the trailer. I can't believe they stole my line!) It's just great, and the only medical show DH will watch (he's very particular, having been a nurse for 9 years now)

3American Horror Story

This is the only show that completely took me by surprise. I mean, I heard a few things, but I got absorbed in to the story. I couldn't get enough of it. The house itself is a great story, the lives of those living in the house, the lives of the dead and their histories coming together for an interesting story in this dama/horror show FX style. I never would have thought that I would come to love a show like this, but it happened, and after this week's season finale I can say this was one of the best shows on in 2011

2 Homeland

I wasn't expecting Homeland to be so well done, definitely didn't expect it to over take Dexter as such an excellent Showtime series. We follow an unstable CIA agent, Claire Danes, and she attempts to connect the dots to uncover the next big terrorist strike against the United States. Danes' character is unbelievable. Damian Lewis, a POW in the Iraq war is discovered by US troops and returns as a hero and new poster boy for the war on terror. The intricacies of a spy thriller combined with amazing personal dramas make this a must watch, and I eagerly anticipate the return of the second season which could take us anywhere.

And finally my favorite series of 2011......

Big Love

Big Love will always be one of my favorite shows ever created. I felt normal when I watched it, that my Mormon upbringing was being validated by millions of viewers. I obviously didn't grow up fundamentalist, but the basic tenants were still there. The last season was heavy, it dealt with Barb, the first wife wanting to hold the priesthood. The youngest who was always so confident finally unravels and begins to find herself. The second wife grows and becomes a real human, trying to heal from the scars of being raised on the compound. Bill's church (never really cared for his character) grows and in the end, even gets a nod of approval in a spiritual revelation from Emma Smith. His is a church that values women as true equals, honors the teachings of Joseph smith and has the true power of God. I will say that that Big Love has been truly respectful of the church. It could have taken a very anti-Mormon stance, but chose to be very careful about walking the line of identifying it as a cult and too much promotion. It did very well in showing actual beliefs, and the church being a manipulating power house--which it is. I will never forget how beautiful, peaceful and sacred when they showed part of the temple endowment with Barb in season four.

The series finale of this show in March brought me to tears. It helped heal me in a way. Big Love, by far, made the biggest, most personal impact on me, and that's why it deserves my number 1 spot.

Addictions

2011-12-12T02:45:00.000-08:00

I have several, not all bad but none are good, a few examples include my addiction to Big Macs, biting my fingernails, quality hair products, swearing, television. There are several that I need to start working on and I hope through blogging about it weekly, I can set and achieve some goals

The first one that I need to work on is my addiction to television. TV is just the shit. It's the bees knees, really. We have all the channels--HBO, Showtime, and about 400 others I don't watch. I think this particular addiction started when I lived in Provo with some other MoHos and we got Tivo. After I moved to Salt Lake I eventually started to work at Comcast and part of the pay package is to get all of their services mostly free of change. Then in January 2010 I was let go and started having to pay full. The smart thing would've been to cancel it then, but I was already hooked. Hooked on DVR services, Bones, Big Love (RIP), Dexter, Nurse Jackie, United States of Tara (RIP), American Horror Story and America's Next Top Model.

Whenever we discuss moving into an actual house I do my best to flat out refuse because if our housing expenses increased much more than they are now, I would have to cut back on cable services. And there is no way in hell I would sacrifice my shows just to have a little bit more living space.

I know it is not reasonable to spend 150+ bucks a month on this garbage. It's a waste of time and energy, and isn't helping me get a six-pack or facilitate spending more quality time with DH. It would be a pretty good idea to just cancel it, only have the internet for school purposes, and stash away that cash in our Expatriation Fund, which will grow much faster with that extra money in it each month.

My goal for my addiction control this week will be to enjoy the Season Finale of Homeland and Dexter, then cancel video service. During this time I will think of ways we can occupy our time.

Is there anyone else who has cut TV out of their life or may be television addicts themselves with any insights?

Who am I?

2011-12-12T02:18:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I have a feeling I don't really know who I am anymore. Writing this out it seems ridiculous, angsty and a bit like a pathetic teenager.

In trying to figure out why I have a feeling of a loss of identity I've been thinking if I ever had one to begin with. Growing up the Mormon church was who I was. When I exited the church I became an ex-mormon and that was who I was. When I started dating DH I became the boring white half of an interracial couple. Was there ever a time when I knew who I was at my core?

Ha, in two poorly written paragraphs the realization is obvious--I'm in my mid-2os--does anyone have a solid identity at that age, or ever? I bet not. Guess I'm just along for the ride, constantly growing and changing and it's OK.

In Defense of Choice

2011-12-09T16:01:00.001-08:00

This post has been brewing inside for a year and a half, and sometimes I still get furious when I think what I will be writing. Listening to Samantha's Podcast yesterday, and finishing Dancing With Crazy I felt the need to address something in the gay community that I haven't wanted to do for quite some time.

The LGBT community decries ignorance and bias, deplores homophobia and bullying, thinks of closed-mindedness as a sin worse than aborting the immaculate conception, one of the main goals is achieving marriage equality spouting off that we deserve the right to choose who we want to marry. I feel that I stand along with the rest of the community I identify with in all these regards. However I've noticed a disgusting...how should I say this... a disgusting communal personality flaw and that needs to change.

There is a hypocrisy in our community that is glaringly obvious and I don't see anyone talking about it. The hypocrisy I'm speaking of is we want to be able to choose who we marry, or how we live our life but cannot or will not let others do the same.

Coming out is a process, and for me a part of that process was trying out the celibate mormon life. I admit I was a total douche bag and tried to influence others to live the way I lived. I made the mistakes I am talking about and now that my life has changed dramatically I feel awful that I ever tried to do that. When I was blogging at my other blog I would occasionally have those who have left the church leave me terribly hurtful and mean comments about how I am lying to myself and all I needed to do to be happy was to leave the church, or in other words, live my life how they were living theirs.

When I was living a celibate life, and in the church I felt persecuted for choosing that life. Then when I left and was searching for someone to intimately share my life with feelings that people didn't agree with my choice to do so.

Then, in May 2010 the co-author of In Quiet Desperation announced his engagement. I was working in a coffee shop in downtown SLC at the time that distributed copies of Q-Salt Lake. In that particular week's issue there was a blurb mentioning the site "Danielledontdoit.com" (which has now been taken down)

Here is a gay magazine that celebrates differences, choices, and alternative lifestyles telling a grown woman not to make an informed decision to marry someone! I was seething. The article went on to say, "If she goes forward with her plan to marry her gay fiancé on May 22, she might be “gambl[ing] on some kind of ‘holy experiment’ that is almost certain to fail...marriage is hard enough without trying to make it work when one of you is straight and one of you is gay...Please don’t sabotage yourself by sacrificing your life, your future, and your happiness for a marriage that has no credible assurance of surviving.”

What marriage has any credible assurance of surviving? Because it is a mixed orientation marriage does not mean it will fail at all. The MOMs that I have seen have been the strongest marriages I've ever seen. Of course I have seen some fall apart and read horror stories from the likes of Carol Lynn and Emily Pearson, but it seems that the underlying issues would be present in typical heterosexual relationships as well.

Marriage is difficult, no matter what. However, I believe that the there are challenges with a mixed orientation marriage that will definitely make a marriage stronger than those that are more easily sexually reciprocated.

I am definitely not advocating MOMs, the only thing that I am advocating is allowing two adults to make a consensual decision to live their lives together without fighting and making it a huge deal, because, isn't that what the LGBT community wants as well?

Wonder Woman's FAIRblog Podcast

2011-12-09T14:43:00.001-08:00

Yesterday afternoon, as I was procrastinating getting ready to go into work on my day off for a few meetings, I noticed that a former roommate of mine posted a link to a FAIRblog podcast. Seeing who was involved with it, I was instantly floored, and contemplated rescheduling the meetings I had so I could listen to the 70 minute podcast without interruption. DH talked me out of being irresponsible, and suggested that we both listen to it while I get ready to go to work.

The podcast itself is excellent. The interviewer was polite and his questions didn't ooze churchiness. Samantha expressed herself excellently. After I got home DH and I put on the new Harry Potter movie, ordered Chinese food and we talked about the interview for almost the entire length of the film. He mentioned how amazingly well spoken she was during the podcast, her experiences and opinions and loved what she had to say and identified with it more than I thought a never-Mormon ever could. I responded to his awe by saying "Of course Samantha is amazing, don't you remember she's Wonder Woman?"

Most of the current members in the Moho blogosphere really have no recollection of who I am, and most probably don't know Samantha. Five (or has it been six?) years ago we met on blogger and have become very close. Since the time Samantha has stayed a constant in my life. She has helped me through the most hurtful and scary portions of my life so far. And I believe that because she reached out to me when I was a scared lost teenager, I am still alive today.

When I left the church a little under 4 years ago, I put the doctrinal issues that I had on a shelf for a while. This was not a good idea, my feelings festered and I became very angry and have been a snide, bratty person in regards to the church for some time. In most ways I feel justified with those feelings, they helped me put proper boundaries in place in regards to the LDS church. Those intense feelings have started to go away and soften and it's like an amazing weight is being lifted. Forgiveness is important.

The strange easing up of emotions directed at religion started two weeks ago when I purchased Emily Pearson's book Dancing With Crazy. Most know her story, or stories like hers. She put into words feelings I had about the LDS church but couldn't formulate on my own because they are so big. I finished her book with the knowledge that another person has survived and has become a whole person after leaving such an all encompassing culture and religion, and that I can too.

Adding to my emotional response of reading Emily's Book, Samantha's podcast helped to remind me of the great things that having a connection to the LDS church has done for me, including bringing her into my life. Samantha mentioned a fireside that was held in her stake that I was able to be a part of, and I remembered how incredibly healing that night was for me. I think I am finally ready to start processing past feelings of spirituality, and reintegrating that portion of my life with who I am today.

I'd suggest that anyone who has a few minutes to spare listen to it here. It has vast appeal and there are many things that can be learned from what was discussed.

Where I am today

2011-12-02T03:52:00.001-08:00

Blogging in two days in a row? Miracle, I know. But I felt that since I am going to try and get into the groove of blogging regularly, I should reintroduce myself. Since it has been so long since I called myself "Attemptingthepath" in the blogging world.

Succinct points include:

My relationship with DH has hit the three year mark. It's been three amazing years. we have both grown so much because of each other and our experiences together. We've been living together in a cute apartment for two years now and we love it.
I have completely left the LDS church. I only have to officially resign but I have no qualms saying to anyone that asks that I am no longer LDS.
Employment for me has been rough since I moved from Provo. I have now been employed at a hospital for almost a year and I love my job. I am learning so much and have found a place where I don't dread going in to work. It's fantastic and I work with amazing people who I love to be around. Work life is supreme.
School is OK. I recently changed my major and I will have my associates in three more semesters (this doesn't sound like a big accomplishment but I never thought I'd have such a short timeline to get this done, so I think it is thrilling!)
DH also works at a hospital as well and his career is skyrocketing. He's been very lucky! He's also starting school to finish his second degree this next semester so there's a lot happening in his life as well.
We are a couple weeks away from buying tickets to spend June and part of July in the South Pacific, which I am thrilled about. We will get to go to Fiji, and Tonga and I'll finally be able to properly brush up on my Tongan language skills. It's been been nearly two years since I have been to Tonga and my heart is still there. I can't wait to see our family and celebrate with them. Not to mention swimming, camping on a deserted island, catching squid, eating delicious food, and also drinking a delicious beer only sold in the south pacific that I've missed terribly.

Alright. Time for bed. I'll try and blog again soon!

Awake early (or very late) on the first day of december

2011-12-01T03:54:00.000-08:00

I agonize over Christmas presents. It takes me so much time agonizing over getting the perfect gift for DH, parents, brother and sister in law, that I don't have time for anyone else.

This year our plan was to spend Christmas in Fiji (Suva, to be exact. We were going to be able to rent a house from a family member's friend) but DH got a promotion at work, and couldn't get the time off anymore. So up until two months ago my Christmas gift for DH would be an early breakfast, coffee, a couple of local beers and going snorkeling in the most beautiful waters in the pacific (besides Tonga. No other oceans compare to how beautiful the water is there)

Mix the anxiety about needing to find a gift that can sentimentally compare to our plans to spend Christmas in Fiji, with finding a gift that he can take with us when we expatriate in a couple years. Nothing like an xbox, or blue ray player. Which, by the way, they would totally be a great gift for us as a couple. We'd love it! But now that we have a timeline to our move out of the country, we can't take all of our stuff so we are going to sell it, and selling the $500 video game system for $100 is a little bit of a stupid investment. So now I have spend even more time and emotional energy finding something he'll take with us or something so emotionally relevant he'll remember it forever, or want to take it with us.

So. this is what you get as my first post in a long time. but I hope to get back into the blogosphere and get to know everyone who's around. And hopefully there might be a few people interested in reading my story of being in an interracial interfaith committed same-sex relationship, our adventures (and there are some damn good ones coming up soon!) and all that jazz.

woo. two months later I make a triumphant return!

2011-03-11T01:25:00.000-08:00

I don’t know what I’m even trying to say with this, so as always my post will probably cover everything but not make a point, or maybe, I’ll attempt to make several points but fail miserably. So, you in for the read to see which one it is?

Last night I was wicked-crazy-anxious about a mid-term and couldn’t fall asleep. DH fell asleep quickly, jealously I deepened my breath and tried to clear my mind in an attempt to fall asleep, but all that happened in my exhausted state was a weird mixture of gratitude, joy, and anger. I felt happy that I live with DH in a cute little apartment, happy that we fight over who gets the bigger portion of the blanket, control of the television remote, or where we go to out to eat. Feeling tender hearted as DH’s breath turned to snoring, and I lightly pushed him so he’d roll over and stop. Thinking back earlier in the night when I scratched his back and he thanked me with a kiss and he fell asleep straightaway.

We must all recognize that no emotion can stay permanently, even if we beg them to. I started to get really angry. Most of those negative emotions, I’m sure, were due to not being able to get the sleep I desperately needed to test well the next day, but they were there none the less and deserve to be acknowledged and explored.

I was angry towards the idea that what I share with DH is widely considered evil, angry that the church I was raised in vehemently decries my very hetero-normative relationship. And most of all, I felt a wave of betrayal from the mormon church. I felt betrayed that the church that I loved for so long didn’t actually want happiness for me, it wanted my conformity, wanted tithing money, wanted me to not have what so many people have: a partner, a husband, and a best friend.

Trying to be discreet and keep private things private, I won’t go into detail, but our relationship hasn’t been smooth sailing most of the time. There’s still the depression that I deal with--something he doesn’t understand well, I was unemployed for a couple of months last year and it put some financial pressure on us, and I’m still dealing with the grieving process of leaving the faith of my heritage. There are many issues that put pressure on our relationship, but even when have difficult times he is the one I want to be with.

As I finish writing this, I think about how lucky I am, and that for tonight, I’m content and feeling peace.

Maybe I can commit to a post every few months...

2011-01-15T11:37:00.001-08:00

I'm working again now, yes I went through another bout with unemployment. I spent two months not doing much, and now I feel like I'm going to break.

It's not hard to notice that from my previous blog, or most to those who know me personally, change can really throw me for a loop and I am having a really difficult time coping. Relationships are hard, working full time and going to school is hard, making pennies above minimum wage is hard. This is whiny and stupid but I feel like the camel can only hold a few more straws before the back breaks

Suddenly having no time has me grasping at what my emotional needs might need, I don't know what I need from my partner to help me get through the changes going on in our life. I don't know what to do help myself get through it.

I've been sad, angry and frustrated for no reason after work. Emotionally exhausted, feeling polarizing feelings.

Last weekend I was far too emotional. I found myself feeling much more deeply, and it wasn't pleasant. Those emotions were all over the place from tenderness, hate, love, sadness within seconds. Now I'm tired. Sleep won't help. If I still believed that there is even the possibility of a god prayer might help but I know that turning to the imaginary man in the sky is futile. I need to find the strength within myself to make it through the next few months. Working 70 hours a week in the early summer last year was horrible, but work, and school, being only about 60 hours a week is harder than I ever imagined.

I wish I knew what to do.

60 second word vomit and hit the publish post button.

2010-09-27T17:24:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling overwhelmed today. I skipped my psychology class which had a test in it to study for other classes. I think I may have to end up dropping that class. *sigh* I don't think I'll be able to handle school and working so few hours. I'm hella broke.

*sigh*

There's so much to write about. I'm kinda sad today, stressed and just want to sleep. blah blah blah...I should just stop whining and go do math homework and clean my apartment and hope that I can sleep tonight.

sorry i'm selfish today...

I Finally Have a Computer!

2010-09-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

Island in Vava'u, Tonga

It has, once again, been almost a year since I've last updated my blog. Of course, things have changed. Let's talk about it in list format because lists are nice :)

I'm in school. Classes are easy right now, simple math, basic college writing, introductory psychology and introductory Tongan.
Currently, I'm typing on my new computer, a baby macbook pro that's shiny, and pretty, and fast.
Kolo and I are living together again. Things are much better this time around

I'm still feeling closed off to people, and have been for a very long time. Not necessarily alone, but that I'm not open. Not just open with myself, but open to feel love from people, or to accept it. Although I may not think about it at all, I feel it starting to fracture relationships--This is something that I need to work on otherwise I may find myself more lost than I thought possible.

I feel myself easily getting caught up in the most trivial things so I don't need to think about anything else. Getting caught up in fantasizing about the future--that I'll feel joy when I'm done with school, making decent money and living in a house with a dog and 2.5 children. Getting caught up in television shows, being over-involved in the lives of the characters on my favorite shows. I feel myself closing myself off to intimacy because either I'm scared, or don't want to open myself up to hurt. I feel myself not letting people love me as I love them.

One possibility of my being closed off is that there is still something wrong with me. I've left the mormon church, in a strong relationship albeit one that can be drastically improved, I'm in school working towards a goal, not financially wanting, but in all these improvements from my life in previous years I still feel that there may be something fundamentally wrong with me.

my goal this week is to approach people with an open heart.

At the Library

2010-02-03T14:19:00.000-08:00

I'm rusty about this blogging thing, I am sort of just word-vomiting all over the place right now. if you want to just skip this and come back with the next update, that'd be just fine with me.

Right now I'm typing this in the SLC Library. This building is beautiful, and from where I sit the view is great, but the smell is not so pleasing--my guess is it's cause by zombies or the homeless.

Being unemployed is horrendously boring. I have nothing to do all day except watch tv and make ramen noodles. Yesterday I watched about five hours of Law and Order SVU, then got off my ass to see the movie Previous.

The movie itself was hard to watch, but it was powerful and I believe deserved the Oscar nominations it has received.

One of the things that has been on my mind the past few days has been how 'Kolo is acting. I've always been able to tell when something is going on, he vehemently denies there's a problem, then a few days later he'll tell me whats going on. The abnormal behavior started on Monday night so I'm sure I'll find out why he's been acting weird/distant/cold.

Maybe this is something I should talk to my therapist about, but blogging is certainly cheaper. I'm sure whatever is going on has something to do with my unemployment, not utilizing the time I have off, not being in school, or somehow not living up to his expectations of me. Or--of course--there is the off chance where it has nothing to do with me. I guess we'll see.

One thing that I need to work on is definitely making more of my own friends up on Salt Lake. 'Kolo insists upon it, and I don't think it's a bad idea, although his requests seem contradictory because whenever I do spend time with my friends he ends up acting weird again.

I know putting the details of my romantic relationship to the scrutiny of the world isn't the best idea. In fact, it's probably a really stupid thing to do but I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this right now and it's kind of driving me crazy.

In other news, I have two jobs lined up, I'll be working at the census part time, then back at a coffee shop that I worked at last summer. I'm excited to start working again, and excited to have a variety in my day. I'm not sure what else to say, guess I'm out of words. I'll be back in a couple of days to update again.

Almost 1 year later

2010-02-01T13:21:00.001-08:00

I've been meaning to start blogging since October of 2009, but the accidental destruction of my previous macbook, and my laziness to get it repaired, or inability to buy a new laptop has kept my blogging at bay.

Since I last blogged I moved into my boyfriend's apartment. We then moved into a very nice one bedroom apartment, and bought an uncomfortable piece of furniture. The apartment was too small for the both of us who had very full apartments of our own things previously. It was very tough but to save our relationship, I got a room a block away and things have been looking up since then.

The biggest reason I wanted to start blogging was that in October of 2009, I found myself crashing from a very manic high and everyone that I promised I'd reach out to when I needed help was asleep. But I remembered a promise that Samantha and I made to each other that if we were ever too overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide, and feared for our safety we would check ourselves in to a hospital.

Driving to the hospital was incredible difficult. I called Potente (not sure what his blog name is, that sounds like it's right) and talked to him while I drove the 8 blocks from my apartment to LDS Hospital. As soon as I got the hospital I felt safe. My heart rate decreased, and the crisis counselor felt she could discharge me with some anti anxiety medications. When she handed me my discharge papers and the prescription I calmly told her that it was not a good idea for me to leave and she needed to admit me.

Fourty five minutes later I had my own room, wasn't allowed to wear any of my clothes and had to share a bathroom with someone who just received early morning electro shock therapy.

I spent three days there laughing loudly, being asked why someone who smiled so big would ever have to come into the psych ward, and working with doctors and counselors extensively. The first and third days I was there I bonded with a girl who could barely talk because the stomach pump and intibation were done with tubes too big for her throat. We ate together, put together puzzles together and colored together. She left the day before I did. I facebook stalked her for a while afterwards, but her profile isn't there anymore. I hope she is OK.

My going to the hospital was really difficult for Kolo. I have major depression, but he is the emotional one. I told him about the promise I made to Samantha, but he never thought that I'd be to a point where I had to check myself in. Kolo blamed himself a lot for what happened, and so did I.

Being in the hospital realized how unbearable I must have been for months on end, how much strain I put on our relationship, and how much I've hurt him.

I was checked myself in 4 AM on Sunday and stayed until 5 pm on Wednesday of that week. Getting home I felt more alive than I have in a long time. It was the best thing I have done for myself.

Now, months later, I'm trying to find the motivation to make some more improvements in my life, make eating healthier and exercising regularly that I know will help manage my depression in combination with the anti-depressants that I'm on.

Now an update of the non-emotional crap.

In January I got LASIK, and was fired from work a few days later for taking time off of work to get my eyes done. I've been looking for work for quite some time now, and I hate being unemployed. I have a few job prospects out there that will start in a couple weeks, and something that sounds like an offer from the coffee shop I worked at.

Kolo and I are still working on a strong, lasting relationship, but things are looking upwards always.

Anyway, I think that this has gone on long enough. I'll end this by saying that I am happy, in my relationship with my boo, with my family and with my friends.

I'm Tired today

2009-04-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

I didn't do a single thing today. Because I didn't have to work, I slept in this morning and didn't see the sun rise. I really like seeing the sun rise, it's absolutely breathtaking every morning.

Maybe I'm just hoping that if I put some feelings up here I won't be so crabby. God give those who are going to be around me patience tonight :)

anywho... going to listen to the new vienna teng album. :)

Needed to blog today.

2009-04-16T20:59:00.000-07:00

I wake up earlier than I ever thought I could for work. My office runs off of eastern standard time which means I get to work by 6:30 am. I work ten hour shifts in position that works directly with the unemployed masses. In fact, the only reason why I have a job now is because there are so many unemployed.

Sometimes it's really difficult keeping such a tough exterior. It's common for people that I'm working with to be sobbing relentlessly. .. Well, me complaining about my job wasn't the intention of this post, so I'll just save that for another day.

My lease is up the end of this month and I'm moving. My two roommates are leaving, and I'm moving in with my boyfriend. It was recently decided. Most people I'm close with have had a lot going on in their lives and I haven't wanted to bother them with this. Maybe I haven't talked a lot because I talk all day at work and I am so drained by it sometimes I just want to clam up and not speak. Yeah, that's it. I shouldn't blame me not letting people in on being kind to them or not wanting to stress them out. I can't talk anymore. I'm exhausted by constantly talking. Even typing is such a ridiculous chore sometimes!

(By the way, I usually blog while naked in the bathtub, my macbook perched precariously on the edge, hovering over the water. Tonight there is no hot water and my bath time blogging isn't going so well because I'm kind of cold)

I'm starting school again soon. I'll be going to SLCC. Two days ago I bit the bullet and just submitted my application, paid that ridiculous fee and started mapping out courses I'll be taking. They have a Radiology tech program that looks really interesting, with career outlook that is still decent. I think if I start now, get accepted into the program relatively quickly, I should have my associates by the time I am 24. I never thought I would go the trade-tech route for my education, but that's what it's shaping out to be.

Okay. so the water is getting colder, I'm tired of writing, and the boy should be here soon, so I should wrap this up.

Samantha's mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. This woman has always greeted me warmly, and with a hug. I'll be praying for her in the upcoming weeks as she undergoes treatment. Please join me.

Conference weekend

2009-04-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

This is my third general conference living within a half-mile of the conference center and I finally learned my lesson--do not venture out at all, unless it's after 10 pm.

While waiting for the crowds to dissipate yesterday, I slept in and made some pretty delicious scrambled eggs for my boo and my roommates. After breakfast was over, I retired to my bedroom to finish the last two disks of Six Feet Under. The show was amazing, I loved the ending, even though it was really emotional for me.

After I knew the population of downtown had deflated. Roommate and I made our way down to a crumby, hole in the wall bar to play some pool. Roommate pays the cover and we make our way to a pool table with a few beers in hand. The DJ was playing Mo-town, and then suddenly he welcomed everyone there to the "Spring time 30 and over party!"

Suddenly I realized that most everyone in the bar was as old, or older than my parents and the only thing I could do is laugh, which, if you know me only caused everyone to look in my direction.

Just another day.

2009-03-31T21:05:00.000-07:00

I stole this from Flickr. I think it's pretty.

Something interesting happened at work last Friday. I snapped and suddenly my job couldn't affect me anymore. I don't care about the people I'm supposed to help. I never thought that could happen.

In other news, my schedule has changed to a 4 10 schedule, so I'm getting used to working an additional 2 hours per day, I'm very excited to get the weekends off. I'm hoping that I'll be able to spend a lot of time camping this spring and summer. I miss it.

I spent Friday and part of Saturday with Samantha, Ambrosia, and Coila. Edgy and his boo came to dinner on Friday. I loved it. I went to therapy with Samantha, which was fun. Not therapy itself. Just being with her.

Just now coming to the realization that I'm out of practice with blogging, and that I'm a rambling idiot, I should probably stop typing.

Well, until next time...

Don't know where to begin.

2009-03-29T16:48:00.000-07:00

I've had a very long lapse in blogging. There have been times when I felt like I needed to start again, but was scared to become dependent on writing down every single thing that happens.

Some may say that my life has drastically changed because I no longer have the job at the book store that provided my blog so much fodder, I have lost my faith in the LDS church, I live in Salt Lake now and have been dating a really great guy, but I'm still me. (I almost published this without stating that I have a mullet growing. It'll be cut off soon, but that's a change too. :) )

I'm still the same person, I'm still me. I still make horribly inappropriate comments, I still laugh loudly.

The last few months have been very interesting. I'm growing up, I think. I purchased furniture. Which, I'll admit still gives me mild anxiety when my feelings overwhelm me and I feel like running away because I can't pack up the incredibly comfortable mattress, or my dresser.

I live in a crumby apartment, but I have my own room and bathroom, and I revel in my ability to be alone and not have it be overwhelming.

I'm still stupid and immature though, I don't know what I want to do with my life. But I am alive. I have dear friends, a great boyfriend, and I am functioning and that's more than what I can say for what I was doing two years ago.

It takes life to love life.

2009-03-28T17:17:00.001-07:00

I'm Back. I need to write. I want to share my life.

Reclaimed

2008-06-05T23:15:00.000-07:00

Even though I feel I don't deserve to let go of the fear of rejection and abandonment, with the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ I deeply and completely accept myself anyway.

2008-05-23T17:51:00.001-07:00

Some random thoughts.

2008-05-09T18:24:00.000-07:00

I just got back from tanning for the first time this year. I'm slightly pink and I like it

I'm starting Man Fast '08 today since I was recently re-singled (recently meaning 10 pm last night it sucks but it won't be the last time that it happens, and it hasn't been the first. I'm strong, I can handle this). I need some 'me time.' Before I venture out into the dating world again I will finish the five or so books on my reading list, get back into practicing yoga, and perfect my tan.

My new job started on Tuesday. I left Deseret Book under interesting circumstances. I had three shifts left and I was arrested, after I relayed the story to my manager I was asked not to come in. I wonder if my fagotry got out and they were afraid that a delinquent homosexual, possibly disgruntled delinquent homosexual had a key to a store because the entire store was re-keyed after I left.

The place I'll be working is a department store I worked at previous to doing my time at DB. I left about two and a half years ago about the same time that one of my friends quit there to go on a mission. He's back now and I remember how much of a crush I had on him. It's weird leaving a place for such a long time and being back, it's like nothing happened in the interim.

Oh, the arresting story... In January I was going down to Moab with some people and I got pulled over for speeding. Being stubborn, I didn't pay the ticket. In February my license was suspended and a warrant for my arrest was issued. I still didn't want to pay because I thought it would magically disappear, it didn't. Then I was at a park with my then boy, and two of my best friends when a cop came and busted us for curfew. He let the three go with a warning, but he took me in because of the warrant. Hopefully that answered any questions :)

I don't know what else to write right now. I'm tired, hungry and just want to read for a while but I shouldn't be alone right now. I should probably continue my life normally and process the pain while I go.

My New Life

2008-05-05T00:58:00.000-07:00

It seems since I've reconnected with some friends I went to school with that the adventures I go on are so much more exciting.

It's like Kitten said tonight while we were trekking up some big hills towards my apartment, "Things have gotten pretty crazy since we tipped over those outhouses." About a month ago I had Kitten and Poodle (no worries, I'll write up a Dramatis Personae soon, just hang tight) were driving around upscale neighborhoods looking at real estate and planning our future lives together.

Suddenly Kitten had to use the facilities, Poodles mentioned he had to pee as well. Luckily we were near a construction site and there were porta-potties right off the street. Kitten went in there first while Poodles and I stood guard--the headlights on her SUV shining on the portable thrown. A number of expletives were heard once Kitten sat down, apparently the unit wasn't leveled out properly and she nearly fell multiple times. After Poodles used the outhouse we got back into the car, liberally applied hand sanitizer. I was starting to smell my leftovers from The Cheesecake Factory when someone suggested that we get revenge on the unbalanced crapper by tipping it over.

Not ever having done anything so juvenile and ridiculous before I was all gung-ho, I placed my food back on the seat ran out, and with a group push the porta-pottie tipped. The sloshing noise of the contents spilling was absolutely disgusting, and was enough for me to feel a rush of adrenaline. We ran back into the car and drove away and continued to look at pretty houses for sale.

Fast forward a month, Kitten, Poodles, The Boy and I were playing at a park and I get arrested. *whimpers at the loss of the large amount of money it cost to bail himself out*

Then tonight, after a car exchange goes south because someone's lack of being a decent father, I had to save a Coach bag from being crushed by a rock, run through a field at the state mental institution, climb a big ass cinder block fence, and then walk all the way back to my apartment.

I guess this is who I am now, a delinquent who likes to scale large walls at ungodly hours of the night. *grin* Who would have ever thought?

The Facebook Generation

2008-05-04T20:27:00.000-07:00

YSL, Sports, and Dinner--What a wonderful day

2008-05-04T14:04:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get used to the idea of blogging daily again. Please excuse me while I take some time readjusting to writing about my life all the time.

Yesterday was incredible :-D

I went up to Salt Lake with one of my very good friends to support the boy in a competition. Before it started, we went to Nordstrom Rack because that's just what you do when you have some time to kill and you're in Salt Lake.

My friend immediately ran to the fixtures with all the marked down denim, and I was right behind him. I wasn't seriously looking for more denim since I recently just revamped the pant section of my walk-in closet. I tried on a pair of wonderful summer-looking jeans marked down 75% then looked around at the shoes. Feeling disheartened, I got in line with my friend who spotted the sunglasses table.

We ran over, tried on some Gucci, some gaudy Prada, and passed over way too much Calvin Klein. Then I saw them. A beam of light (similar to the beam of light that lit up my glorious first pair of William Rast jeans) fell onto a pair of Yves Saint Laurent sunglasses that were more than 60% off.

"No," I thought, "sunglasses like this always make me look atrocious." But my friend urged me to put them. The second I did, the feelings of being forsaken by the gods of eye wear completely vanished. They were the first pair of larger glasses to look decent on my face, I was thrilled. Considering they were far cheaper than the pair of Lacoste sun glasses I wanted I got in line and purchased them.

I knew it was going to be a good day.

The next few hours were taken up by getting some experience being a spectator at a sporting event. It was really fun, I think it'd be fun to pitch an idea to one of those gay cable channels to have gay sports commentary. After the game, my friend and I went to try a restaurant I've heard a lot about, Trio near the Planned Parenthood in Salt Lake. The wait was absolutely ridiculous, but the food looked very promising.

When we were finally seated, we promptly ordered. I had the three cheese ravioli, while my friend ordered the baked penne with fontina. I am so excited to go there again, it was delicious. :)

You, Appearing.

2008-05-03T02:10:00.000-07:00

It's late... or early, I won't decide. I really can't tell you why I'm not asleep, I just don't feel like it.

My mind is spinning right now with possibility, and a touch of sadness which I blame entirely on the fact that I'm typing this well past 3 am.

Did you know that I was arrested a few days ago. It wasn't nearly as exciting as it sounds. I guess unpaid traffic tickets, and swinging on swings at a park after curfew is a recipe for disaster. Luckily, I had the money to bail me out in my checking account. My two really good friends and boyfriend were at the police station within an hour to get me out of there.

I cannot stop coughing. It's really frustrating.

Well, I think I should try to sleep, I'm exhausted. I'll leave you with a music video of a band I was really into a few months ago. They're absolutely wonderful. I love this song.